and today was a day just like any other.

here, i’m doing away with any sort of correct grammatical punctuation and capitalization.

one day my children will ask

where was i when i found out where barack obama had won the 2008 election?

while others were partying in the street with their screams and howls, i spent it in my room with my hand tightly grasped around my best friend’s in complete and total silence. why? all to absorb what had just happened. while both of us wished that we went outside amongst the festive people, i’m not quite sure the impact(at least on me) would have been the same.  im proud of where america is today and appreciate how much work has gone into this moment in time, all the people who struggled to get where we are today.

i am actually PROUD to be an american.

Post nubila Phoebus.

I spent last night crying like a little child in the arms of a man who loves me. It’s absolutely terrifying when you don’t know what else to do but cry until your entire body aches because somehow it will make all the pain go away. I spent it trying to push this man away, someone who didn’t have to, but still chose to make me his responsibiity for the night. Someone to watch over me. My own guardian angel if only for that one night. I’ve essentialy lost everything, not short of my mind, due to worries about school and financial problems and stress due to someone’s ghost. My schadenfreude tendancies have at least gotten rid of that last one. As wrong as it seems, after what I was put through, these misfortunes in this person’s are most certainly my pleasures. If I were to say that to my mother she’d blame my unhappiness on that very fact, the truth is though, she doesn’t know half of the misery I was put through by the happiness once had. I enjoy every second of this struggle. What I do not enjoy, however, is the lack of visibility and clarity I’m finding here when I try to look and see if things look better. He’s right and I know that he is that I need to talk to someone because I can’t go that alone, and the most he can do is be there for me. Hold me. Wipe away the tears that are all over my cheeks and kiss my shoulder blades(I’ve grown so fond of those almost over night, it’s almost ridiculous). If anyone knows me, and well, he knows me the best out of everyone, they know my weaknesses are not somethin I like to show or admit to all that often. I am always supposed to be on medicine for anxiety and borderline disorders but I don’t believe in pills dictating how I feel. For the most part, and my family and closer friends can vouch for me, for the most part I do well with not being on them. It’s melt downs like this, however, that make me wish I wasn’t so goddamn stubborn. But the thing is, I can spew some crazy shit from my brain to my tongue of wanting everything to go away, but I always try to refuse help or to talk to anyone. I don’t want anyone I love seeing me in sweats, curled up in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably about things that I KNOW won’t change over night. But he did it, he came, he doesn’t think less of me, he showed he loves me(there wasn’t a doubt in my mind this was true, but god..if there was, this was my validation)., and most of all he believes I can overcome this, even when I don’t. 
I spend some days trying to push him away. Why? Because I’ll only let him down in the long run, but I realized last night there is no letting him down. I show him the love and support I know he deserves and in return I get this unconditional love from him, where he’s going to be there for my highs and just as steadfast by my side when I’m like I was last night, though it may frustrate him, he is my rock.

Things will get better. I deserve this and I can do this.

 

Post nubila Phoebus.

asi

as i’m sitting here in the yawkey center’s second floor lobby of my campus eagerly awaiting class i’ve seriously come to a crisis-inducing realization. i have absolutely 0 idea of what i want to do. for the longet of times i have thought of pharmacy school. up until recently i thought this idea would have been stupendous. who doesn’t want a huge amount of money and to make the income of a full-timer of any other job while only working part-time? this would have been perfect for me, but my heart just isnt in it. 

so what do i do? i go to a pretty good school, an expensive one at that. i love it here but have 0 motivation to do anything here and failing this semester doesn’t seem to phase me quite like it should. is it because my passion hasn’t been discovered? i think it just might be and this terrifies me. back to the ever imposed question of “what do i do?”. i could take a year off. travel. work. figure out just what it is i want to go back to school for but who am i kidding? the success rate of people who “take a year off” is probably very small. i’m proud to know someone who took a few years off and returned, but i know his case is in the minority when speaking about this. my heart is in the following things, english, photography, and women’s studies. bam. photojournalism. am i right? this could be true if i also didn’t have the stigma of wanting to make a good-paying job. it’s time for me to realize and start to follow that even if the money isn’t ALWAYS there, if my heart is in whatever i choose to follow i’ll be happy no matter what. but for some reason i can’t agree with not having a good job when i start a family, and unless i got signed to some prestigious magazine or something of the sort i probably would not make a very pretty penny. so what is it that i do? i feel like i’ll be asking this question a lot between now and march when i have to declare my major..if i make it to next semester. 

 

wish me luck.

red sox? yes please.

my friend christopher has a proven superstition about game five during red sox playoffs. last night was that very type of night where he needed to go out and not just sit home and watch the game so the both of us agreed to go to a local bar/18+ dance party(so i could get in as well, seeing as poor little me is only 20). i, being one to know some sort of ‘night life etiquette’, did not want to go right when the party started so we of course decided to pre-game our night(and again, i wouldn’t be able to drink at the bar) with a little southern comfort*. in order to distract ourselves from the game, yes, we had a web browser up with the score and at this point it was 5-0…we played wii baseball. in which i got my ass kicked by my much more talented and handsome partner in crime. midway through one of our games of drunken wii sports christopher muttered ‘oh great another two runs’ and th reminiscent e score was 7-0. this was all too reminscent of  the previous three games where 7 or 8 runs were had by good ol’ tampa bay, and us poor red sox struggle to get at least one run to go down with our diginity. so me, being a little more brash than usual said ‘oh..well there’s that game. good bye post season’**

around 10 o’clock we decide any more drinking and we probably won’t leave my room. any less drinking and we’d lose all motivation to be in a clusterfuck of horny college boys and their bimbo girlfriends. i digress on ragging on these kids and move on, we make our trek to lansdowne street and the club/bar is relatively empty. christopher is introduced to some of the people i knew there and he and i decide we may as well watch the game. after all, we’re technically out just you know, not in our homes. so it would be okay. the rays of course kept their 7-0 lead through the sixth inning, but something almost miraculous was witnessed starting in the 7th. four runs scored by a team i’ve grown quite fond of in that inning, three in the 8th and the awesome winning run in the 9th. any person in that bar, the horny college boy or his bimbo who had any remote interest in the sport of baseball and their home team were glued to the television***. j.d. drew, a man who wasn’t even sure if he was going to get to play in this post season, is suddenly a hero to everyone..and i infact took back ever, EVER calling him “j.d. screw”. i just remember almost being tackled by christopher as he laughed hysterically and i had this huge warm rush of hope for this team that was trailing the rays 3-1 suddenly pulled what they’d done in 2004 and 2007. and were only trailing off by 1 game. suddenly that gap doesn’t seem so large, and there could be some hope for this team that seemingly lost their flair for three games and suddenly regained it. i sure as hell hope they keep whatever motivation they found or keep whatever they found that was seemingly missing the past few games. part of me wishes i remembered the details better, i remember the cheers, ortiz finally being BACK on his game, and coco crisp having an incredible at bat. i remember vague things, assisted with sports blogs that i’ve been linked to. but i can’t give a play-by-play. 

now it’s beckett’s chance to redeem himself, and give lester the same chance on sunday. i could not be any more excited.

 

* every time i have drank this stuff i am reminded of my 90 year old next door neighbor who has survived heart attacks and says it’s  because he drinks a bottle every other day. i don’t see how he can swear by such a horrific smelling beverage, but i must say, when mixed with orange soda it turns into liquid candy….intoxicating, lovely, candy.

**to be completely honest i’m not sure if this was said or thought by me, but..bear with my story telling.

***there were live acts through this game on stage. i felt sorry for them, because right when they came on is when the sox started making their comeback. no one really paid much attention and cheered louder than the soundsystem could ever make them sound.

to be honest i like blogging. i do. i just don’t like certain third parties that read this blog. things as of late have been fantastic. if anyone knew me over the summer they knew how miserable i had been. well, things have done an almost complete 180 and i’ve been totally content with life and who i spend my days with.

 

i will update with a substantial post sometime soon but i just feel the need to censor a lot due to some readers sucking.

for now…go sox!

“Everything has its own place and function. That applies to people, although many don’t seem to realize it, stuck as they are in the wrong job, the wrong marriage, or the wrong house. When you know and respect your Inner Nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don’t belong.”–Benjamin Hoff

Railin’ Palin!

with the vice presidential debates out of the way i wanted to blog about the funny moments along with how i felt about all of it. the expectations of sarah palin doing well were frighteningly low coming into this debate tonight. it was really like one of those sports movies where the ragtag crew of unpolished rough necks some how make it to the state finals and take on the three time defending state champs (erm….even though Palin represents the team that’s been in control for 8 years). so maybe some people would be rooting for the underdog. maybe have a bit of empathy for her…or…something? i mean, she DOES have a journalism degree so she could be a bit smarter than she lets on.

she of course started the night with a cute america’s sweet heart greeting to biden with a “nice to meet you. hey…can i call you joe?” now isn’t that s dog gone precious? it also didn’t take very long for her to use a soccermom anecdote to relate to the economy. i hope all you college kids took a double shot with all the silly games created for this night. while watching it with christopher i do recall thinking that i could be getting so horribly wasted and we were only 10 minutes into the thing. she also said something about america wanting something fresh and new and how they could find it in john mccain. now if i were her i would have worded it much more like this “hey, biden! you’ve been in the senate for like forever, since before I was born, and I think america needs some one new, and young and sexy like …john mccain!”. also by this point i was being a woman who has an aesthetic eye, i noticed that palin’s american flag pin was remarkably larger than biden’s. i’m sure we can all tell from that just who loves america more, AMIRITE,PEOPLE?!. i was going to mention this to christopher but i’m sure he would have called me a freakface for noticing and caring about that so i saved the little joke in my head to share with the blogesphere instead.

at first i thought making “attacks” on palin wasn’t going to be part of biden(or should i say joe)’s game plan. but as the night progressed he made his first one and it was along the lines of
“she didn’t answer your question, she’s misrepresenting votes”, and palin shot right back with a sassy “i’ll answer whatever question i want with whatever facts i want FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE!”. oh..alright? so basically she told the entire nation she didn’t want to answer questions if she didn’t like them and would only answer in a fashion she found appropriate. she is the brightest bulb in all the land, i promise you all this. i’m glad that my friend who actually gets paid to blog had this quote in his because well…lets take a moment to reflect shall we?
sarah palin: “campaign promises i’ve made? listen, i’ve only been at this for 5 weeks, so yeah, i haven’t made many promises.”
oh..okay. you have only been in this for 5 weeks so you have a completely good reason to be as stupid as you act. but again! you’re so goddamn cute and witty and charming that america can’t hate oyu. oh miss congeniality from alaska, how you warm my heart. i could go on and on in terrible detail about every quote that stuck in my mind and how it sounded but let’s fast forward to the israel talks. after biden gave his part ’bout it, palin had an outbreak of ‘i am so glad we both love israel so much!’ it sounded to me to be in the exact same tone someone would say “aww! we both love puppies. ain’t that somethin’? yay puppies ^.^” anime face and all.

they actually got to a topic i’m incredibly avid about and that would be darfur. my one question was, does someone as foxy and educated as mrs. palin know what darfur is? the answer came in a screaming fuck no obvious to anyone watching. apparently darfur is not important enough to be cared about in alaska so sarah stuck to the “tee hee i hate those washington insiders, i will just stand here and be cute. it’s been working so far” and then came the best thing about her answer on darfur. she agrees with joe biden. SHOCKER!
now all through the night christopher and i were anticipating the use of the word maverick at least once and when it finally was said we both just have eachother a look of such excitement. oh, sarah, you learned quickly from that fresh and sexy john mccain. “whadaya except with a team of mavaricks? squeee!”. you are really such a treat.

i feel like i’m focusing too much on tearing poor sarah palin apart. let’s discuss how around the end of the debate joe biden probably brought a tear to everyone’s eye, including his own, mentioning his wife and daughter who were killed. …of course now i can go back to palin and how she did not know how to respond after that so of course it was more of the fodder of “blah blah blah maverick! blah blah blah teehee voteforthemilf.com”.

over all here is what we established from the debates:
-palin didn’t do enough to distance her ticket from bush.
-in reality palin didn’t do much of anything but make up any ground lost in those couric and gibson interviews. period.
-biden was boring during the first half, but came together during the second.
-a lot of people are noting how Palin said she thought the power of the VP should be expanded. after dick chaney, no one thinks that ‘s a good idea.
-the mainstream media is pissed about palin’s digs at the mainstream media. surprise!
-people who hate palin will hate her more, people who love her will only love her more.

you make your own decisions, kids.

you’re a womanizer, oh, you’re a womanizer baby.

the new britney spears song is as catchy as all hell and i’m guilty of LOVING it, and i would not be surprised if it ends up being my top track on my last.fm for the week(or closely VERY closely beat by manchester orchestra). i’m in no way ashamed of such a thing, because, well, it’s too good to let up just because it’s britney (bitch).

since may i’ve somehow managed to lose 30 lbs. this is pretty impressive seeing as i’ve gone down from a hefty 170 lbs to 140 lbs and from a size 12 to a size 8 and at a fine height of 5’7 i find my weight pretty satisfactory. i just need to tone and i’m pretty sure i’ll look fantastic. but you know…people who have never seen me before in their lives say i don’t look it . i think i do and my tweet was inaccurate. i don’t have a gross belly anymore and my thighs have thinned out enough that i can wear a mini skirt and not feel like a prostitute. it’s all a win/win situation. i know why i lost some of that weight in may due to a ‘procedure’ i had that i really don’t think is good to talk about in a blog but i don’t regret what was done.

i’ll probably make a more substantial “LOL-WORTHY” post after or during the debates tonight. i love me some idiotic sarah palin quotes.

“… when you hit someone with a knife that’s called stabbing”

today christopher and i went to see choke. i was wary coming into it being a palahniuk fan and absolutely terrified that a book as raunchy as choke could possibly be made into a movie but i did keep an open mind about it and needless to say, as a whole the movie did not disappoint. sam rockwell does such an amazing job at capturing the charismatic charm and perversion of victor mancini. if you get me started on anjelica houston as his mother, i will not shut up. the more i think about her role and how well she portrayed it the more i love her for it. this film will however, probably follow the path that fight club took. this film stayed true to the novel and was exactly how it should have been and while there have been reviews that i have read saying that the film itself is scattered i see it as these people are not familiar with the book, because, that’s exactly what it is. a beautiful and tragic scattered story that takes some getting used to, and when you do, it’s perfect. i don’t want this to be a spoiler in the least for any fan that may stumble upon this blog who hasn’t seen the movie yet but the only problem i have with gregg’s adaptation is the ending. everyone in hollywood always wants a happy ending, and this movie does not stray from that notion at all. i at first was disappointed, but upon thinking the ending that gregg gave it is a lot more of a feel good cutesy ending and while it strays from palaniuk’s true nature it does tie the movie together in a good way.

over all rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

OY VEY!

it’s no secret to anyone i know that i do in fact love the jews. jewish people in general make me happy but i have the weakest of weak spot for jewish boys (though none of them are attainable crushes). a friend of mine, sarah, thought this weird fixation on her religion that i have was so funny that she signed me up for jdate.com. for those of you who don’t know, it’s basically a jewish dating service where you either have to be a jew, or willing to convert. i’ve never physically seen my profile on this site, or even what it says, all i know is that at some point it states i am willing to convert. now, since sarah used my email to make such a thing, i get emails about matches that have been found for me. why can’t these boys look anything like todd weinstock? why? i know why. because jews like todd don’t exist outside the spectrum of my ‘people in the music business who only date cute asian girls’ friendship circle. i told todd the next time he ever comes to my state (which at the rate his music is going, NEVER) i am going to clone him for my own purposes, but try and take out the part of his brain that posesses him only to date asian girls. though, his girlfriend is one of the prettiest girls i have ever seen in my life this is just unacceptable for girls with jewcrushes such as myself.
i wish i didn’t have a heart, i would absolutely exploit some of my matches on this site for the pure hilarity of it. especially this man claiming to be 22 from allston who looks about thirty, but i think it’s all the beard he is growing. still. do not want. this site could have quite possibly turned me OFF from jews rather than helped me find a love. i was going to tell christopher about how i suddenly don’t find myself jew-crushing anymore because of what sarah did. maybe this was all part of her plan because she used to say “honey, i am supposed to marry one and i cant find a decent looking one anywhere in BROOKLYN, good luck!”. besides even if i could find a catch…(oh how i want to watch fiddler on the roof now. “match maker match maker make me a match..find me a find catch me a ca”…wait, anyone?) i really wouldn’t want to. i’m content with who i’m seeing, though just through a friendship it’s the only dynamic that feels right right about now anyway. neither of us are in a place that we should hop back into what once was, but goddamn, wouldn’t that be nice?(at least i think so). until that time happens(if it does) i will clearly be entertaining myself with emails from the webmaster saying i should look into meeting men with usernames like ‘jewishluvr4u’. so classy. so hilarious. so never going to happen.